Counselling, Identity, and the Power of Lived Experience

Counselling delves deeply into the concept of identity, and in the person centred approach that I follow, it is widely understood that identity is not solely self-created. Part of it is imposed upon us – what some might call ‘being put in a box.’ Often, our response to these imposed identities is to actively create and assert our own, as seen in the powerful expressions of identity in movements like Pride parades and the feminist movement, where individuals advocate for equality. Social media has undoubtedly played a significant role in raising awareness of the systemic issues that necessitate these movements.

Navigating the complexities of diversity within counselling can be challenging, and my own experiences as both a counsellor and a client have shaped my own opinions on this topic. Some of the most profound encounters with these issues occurred during my time as a counsellor-in-training. As anyone who has undertaken such training knows, the safety and well-being of both the client and the counsellor-in-training are carefully monitored by the college and supervisors.

During my training, I completed a placement at a charity dedicated to serving the LGBTQIA+ community. A year into my placement, the charity expressed great satisfaction with my work with clients. The positive feedback I received from both clients and my placement supervisor significantly boosted my confidence.

However, when I shared these positive experiences with the wider group in college, the only openly gay man in that year immediately met my enthusiasm with resistance. Questions were raised about my objectivity – a fair point to consider. The underlying question seemed to be whether my own identity as a gay man meant I automatically understood the experiences of every gay client. This was certainly not the case. The more I tried to explain the difference between a ‘cultural understanding’ and ‘already knowing another person’s lived experience’, the more I was met with resistance (and the more I must have come across as defensive myself).

Analogies and the Difficulty of Understanding Lived Experience

Let me attempt to explain this using the analogy of neurodiversity. As someone living with ADHD, I know firsthand the daily challenges that might seem simple to others. For example, just leaving the house can be a complex task, this involves repeated checks and anxieties. For a long time, I simply thought I was an underfunctioning neuro-typical person, unaware of the term ADHD itself (or neurotypicalfor that matter). If I had a penny for every time I’ve heard someone say, ‘In that case, I’m also ADHD’ or ‘We’re all a bit ADHD sometimes,’ I’d be in a different line of work! This highlights a common tendency to minimise or misunderstand experiences that are not personally lived.

The same applies to the queer experience. The nuances of acceptance and non-acceptance within the community, the specific challenges of dating apps, the significance of safe spaces versus the real threat of street harassment for simply holding hands, the diversity of relationship types – these are all integral aspects of many queer individuals’ lives. They are givens, a baseline of experience that isn’t universal. Understanding these lived realities can save clients from having to first navigate their counsellor’s potential lack of awareness or even prejudice. If a client is already grappling with feelings of being generally unaccepted, having a therapist who understands the specific cultural context of their identity can remove an extra layer of potential barrier to the therapeutic relationship. An example from my own experience of being the client has been reflecting on challenging feelings, such as when feedback about my overly expressive facial expressions at work (where it was flagged as irritating) also revealed to me a potential interpretation of being ‘too camp’. I spent a long time trying to explain this to my straight counsellor, who unfortunately only seemed to understand the one perspective of it being unprofessional and something  I could work on.

The Importance of Cultural Competence Beyond Surface Level

It’s naive to assume that a therapist doesn’t need specific knowledge of LGBTQIA+ culture and identities. To backtrack slightly, the best therapeutic outcomes are most likely when a therapist is culturally competent and affirmative, and a strong therapeutic alliance is established. A 2007 systematic review published by the BACP also highlights the critical importance of cultural competence and creating an inclusive environment in therapy. My point is that the attitude formed by growing up feeling ‘different’ can often cultivate a more inherently ‘open attitude’ in a person, although this still requires conscious effort to address internalised biases.

Consider an experience I had when I brought a teenage client who identified as trans to a supervision session for the first time. The immediate focus shifted to the (at the time) controversy surrounding the Tavistock clinic and the suggestion that the client might have been pressured into identifying as trans. Without going into further detail, these kinds of statements underscore the advantages of a therapist having a foundational understanding of the limitations of the gender ‘binary’ and the diverse experiences within the trans community.

The Bodily Impact and the Disconnect in Understanding

Counselling often involves a heightened awareness of our own bodily sensations and how they relate to the emotions of others. However, a nuance I’ve observed in my own practice and as a client is a tendency to view ourselves from a perspective of being somehow ‘less than’ the perceived ‘bigger whole.’ More recently, I’ve noticed a trend where larger, more dominant structures are being reframed as just another differentiated identity. This became apparent when looking at masculinity as part of a research study at college (I plan a future blog post on the experience). I felt that suddenly, maleness becomes just another differentiated identity. Similarly, the example of a woman feeling offended by the removal of dedicated perfume sections in shops illustrates this point. My experience – and in my view the experience of other marginalised groups, then get drowned in the larger whole, the unique struggles no longer matter as much, a lifelong struggle is now a reason for resentment of ‘why is your pain worth any more than, let’s say, my pain as a working parent?’ This can feel invalidating and diminish the significance of deeply rooted, systemic inequalities.

Often, dynamics during training within the group of counsellors-in-training reflect the outside world experience. This is my explanation why this tendency to misunderstand nuanced experiences unfortunately also manifested in my interactions within the counselling training environment.

The college expressed concern when I reported back about the visceral impact clients had on me during sessions, interpreting this as being overly enmeshed. Furthermore, I struggled to communicate the profound difference between a theoretical understanding of ‘culture’ and the innate knowledge that comes from having lived a particular experience. The example that comes to mind is when I tried to explain the commonality of certain hook-up sites within gay culture during a supervision session. The supervisor, lacking that cultural context, immediately perceived a client’s use of these sites as a risky behaviour, going as far as hinting at a potential ‘death wish.’ My attempts to provide nuanced details about the cultural context were interpreted as me defending the client, ultimately leading to the termination of my placement.

Looking back at the Experience with the Knowledge I have today

What truly affected me at the time was not really losing the placement, but the profound sense of ‘othering’ I experienced. I was also working with clients who identified as trans, queer, and lesbian. There was an inability of others to understand how I could empathise with these diverse experiences very differently from how I was developing self-compassion for myself, whilst working through my own issues. As a direct effect, this made me feel like my own identity as a gay man was not seen as valid or distinct from a general label of ‘non-heterosexual.’ It felt as though the complexities within the LGBTQIA+ community were being flattened under a single umbrella.

I have since processed the many complex feelings that arose from these experiences, and I won’t deny that they significantly impacted my confidence. These experiences underscored the critical importance of moving beyond theoretical knowledge to truly understand the lived realities of diverse individuals, both for effective counselling and for fostering genuine empathy and inclusivity within our communities. My experiences have reinforced the vital need for empathy, curiosity, and a deep respect for the power of lived experience in the journey of both the counsellor and the client.